We Are Expecting! Chap. II
PART. II
As you may know, I suffer from a condition called Endometriosis stage 4(/4), which causes infertility.
I’ve been going through surgeries, treatments and IVF rounds for 3 years (started early 2018), to try to reduce the pain and prevent the disease from spreading but more importantly, to be able to (at least one day) have children, but without success.
Very beginning of 2020, we had another day filled with long appointments to get ready for another IVF round: the morning spent at the hospital for the spermogram, and the afternoon spent at the fertility clinic. To complete the IVF file that will go in front of a commission (that’s how it works in France), you must have a recent vaginal smear and recent endovaginal ultrasound. Hubby and I were just following the doctors and surgeons’ process: a very moody me saying that anyway, it’ll never work, a very positive husband saying that it will, and an even moodier me, getting madder about hubby being positive and not realistic for a second.
To finish up the file, my fertility doctor walks me through a (too) well known gynecological table for the required medical tests; when comes the ultrasound, my endometriosis-affected-self cringes so much, knowing it’ll trigger my pain as it usually does even stronger, the doctor seems to see something unexpected… Worrying about having to have another big and painful surgery after only 3 months since the previous one, I decided to go above the fear of the answer and ask what is happening. “Your endometrium is a bit thick” she answered. You can ask me anything about endometriosis, and what in details is the disease, but the very first signs of pregnancy beside nausea and sore boobs, weren’t something I knew much about, so to me, my endometrium being thick only meant that all the endometriosis in my body had thickened and that was why I was in such pain for the past couple of weeks.
You might find this stupid, but after years of fighting infertility, you lose all hopes, and getting pregnant remains something you truly want but becomes inconceivable. It literally didn’t even cross my mind.
As she kept exploring my reproductive system through ultrasound, I decided to silently wait until she gives me the next steps towards surgery, or/and IVF, when I suddenly saw a little “black dot” on the screen… Again, the idea of me as a future mom had become a dream that will never be realized and I started to “make peace” with this idea; I instantly assumed “new cyst”. By fear of what will be said after this odd ultrasound I decided to not mention it until she will, when she suddenly said: “just in case could you please pee in a stick for me and bringing it back to me?”. This was that surreal for me that I thought that it would be a hormones test (not pregnancy hormones, the bad kind!). As she left the office to get the pregnancy test, I (finally!) started to (kinda) connect the dots. I go to hubby and whisper to him “I think that she thinks that I might be pregnant!”, “I knew it!” he replied to me for some reason… To not keep his hope high, I quickly reminded him that the chances for the black dot I’ve seen on the screen being a cyst were way higher than us being pregnant. “I swear I was thinking about it when you were in the room, I knew it!” he kept repeating. The doctor came back with the pregnancy test, I do the test and don’t even try to see the result as even if I admit, for a second walking down the hall to the toilet I got excited and got my hope a bit higher than I usually did when it came to me ever be pregnant, by the time I was peeing on the stick, I came back to my senses and would have sworn that the result will be negative as its always been no matter how much I tried. My doctor was very excited too, and as I was handing her the result, she was telling us that it was positive and that we were definitely pregnant! I refused to believe her for a few seconds and then started crying. Hubby kept saying that he knew it, and I cried some more.
At that point, all we wanted to do was being alone, just the two of us and scream and jump everywhere from happiness and excitement! But we needed to wait a few more minutes as we were listening to the advice from the doctor, getting the vitamin prescriptions, and scheduling the two next ultrasounds. Trying to keep it together and control our “over the moon happy feelings” was very hard to do.
As soon as we got out of the fertility clinic, Faz kissed me and took me in his arms to give me the biggest hug ever. I was so happy, I am so happy I could never write this feeling down, words aren’t enough. But through this section of my website (“Pregnancy Journal”), I’ll try to take you through the feelings of our pregnancy story.
Word for baby: I thought I’d never get to meet you. Thank you for choosing us for parents, we promise to always make sure you’re healthy, happy, and have everything you need. Thank you for choosing mommy’s body as a temple to grow, I know it may not have been the homiest uterus with all these scars and endometriosis tissues around, I’ll always be thankful to you for this, and for gifting us with you, for letting me grow you from a super tiny egg to a beautiful human, for showing us (and especially me) that you can never lose hope, and to always trust destiny. You're already so strong and such a little hustler.
We are already in love with you.